The Harmful Effects of Comparing Children: Why parents should avoid it

Parenting is a delicate balance of love, discipline, and guidance. Every child is unique, with their strengths, weaknesses, and pace of development. However, many parents, often unintentionally, compare their children — whether it’s academics, sports, behaviour, or talents. While the intention might be to motivate, the result is often the opposite, leading to deep emotional and psychological harm. So what are the problems associated with comparing kids?

1. Low Self-esteem and Insecurity
A child who is constantly compared to their sibling may start believing they are not good enough. This can damage their self-confidence, leading to self-doubt and hesitation in trying new things.

2. Sibling Rivalry and Jealousy
Comparison often fuels unhealthy competition between siblings. Instead of developing a bond of love and support, they start seeing each other as competitors, leading to resentment and jealousy.

3. Anxiety and Pressure
A child who is repeatedly told, “Look at your brother, he always scores well,” may feel immense pressure to perform. This can cause stress and anxiety, making them fear failure rather than focusing on self-improvement.

4. Emotional Distance from Parents
When children feel they are constantly being measured against their siblings, they may emotionally withdraw from their parents. They might feel that love is conditional and tied to achievements rather than unconditional.

5. Suppression of Individual Talents
Each child has unique abilities, but comparison can make them feel pressured to fit into a mould rather than explore their strengths. For instance, a child interested in music may feel unworthy if compared to a sibling excelling in academics.

Why Parents Should Avoid Comparison Children thrive in an environment where they feel valued for who they are. Constant comparison teaches them that their worth is measured against others, rather than based on their efforts and growth. Instead of encouraging them, it often discourages them, making them feel they can never be good enough.

Ria Sharma, PGT Psychology and School Counsellor at Apeejay School, Mahavir Marg explains how she assess and resolves problems related to sibling rivalry. “I often have parents walk into my office, exhausted and frustrated, saying, “They just won’t stop fighting!” Sibling rivalry is something I see almost daily. It manifests as jealousy, competition, or just a battle over who gets the last piece of cake. It’s natural, but when it starts affecting a child’s self-esteem or the family’s peace, it’s time to step in.”
“One of the biggest mistakes I see is comparison, even when it’s well-intended. “Look how neatly your brother keeps his books!” or “Your sister got full marks; why can’t you?” These statements may seem harmless, but to a child, they can feel like a reminder that they’re not good enough. Every child wants to be seen for who they are, not measured against their sibling.”
“Parents often ask me, “Should I intervene?” The key isn’t to stop every argument, but to teach children how to resolve conflicts themselves. Helping them talk about their feelings and find fair solutions makes a world of difference. Another game-changer? Spending individual time with each child reassures them that their place in your heart isn’t up for competition.
I’ve seen that when handled right, sibling rivalry doesn’t have to be damaging. Instead, it can build resilience, empathy, and a bond that lasts a lifetime – because at the end of the day, siblings are often our first best friends,” Ms Ria shared.

How to Balance Behaviour among Siblings
1. Celebrate Individual Strengths – Recognise and appreciate each child’s unique abilities. Instead of saying, “Why can’t you be like your sister?” say, “I love how creative you are!”

2. Encourage Effort, Not Just Results – Praise hard work and improvement rather than just achievements. This fosters motivation without unhealthy competition.

3. Promote Teamwork – Encourage siblings to support and celebrate each other’s successes rather than competing. Create activities where they work together rather than against each other.

4. Use Fair but Not Equal Treatment – Every child has different needs. Treating them fairly does not mean treating them the same, but rather understanding and respecting their differences.